Baten Kaitos: Jolly Ranchers and the Lost Skittles
by Saddened Soul
Summary: Long ago, the evil God, Malpercio, fought against the humans in a war. He was defeated, and the humans found a life in the sky. No, join Kalas in this epic adventure! PG-13 for crude humor.
1. The Beginning

(Hmm… I wonder how many Baten Kaitos fics are there? Not many, right? That's a shame, even though I haven't beaten the game yet, but I am at Mizuti's hometown…Well, if you do read this, please enjoy it.)

EDIT: I had posted this story before a category was created.

Baten Kaitos: Eternal Jolly Rancher and the Lost Skittles

Chapter One: The Beginning

Kalas's eyes shot open as he awoke from the dreadful nightmare. Bunnies had come from everywhere and were surrounding him, a few nibbling on small carrots. He would run for an eternity, only to find himself facing more bunnies. However, from the endless darkness around him sprouted a bright light; within that light was the shape of a figure.

Kalas shrugged and sat up in the bed, looking around. He was in a small room; another bed was across from his to the right. The smell of apples drifted to his nose, making his mouth water.

"Ah, I see you're awake," came a voice from a person entering the room through the doorway. He was a much older man, with light brown hair mixed with sprouts of white. He wore a white shirt with beige pants and sandals.

"I'm surprised you're okay; those Bone Cats sure made a mess of you."

Kalas glanced at him. "Oh, where am I?" He suddenly paused though. "Wait, did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That! There it is again… and again!" He suddenly stood up from the bed. "That echo… where is it coming from?"

Kalas ran across the room, straining his ears. "There is no echo my boy; are you sure you're completely fine?"

Kalas nodded. "Yes, yes, now, who are you?"

The man smiled and cleared his throat. "I am Larikush, town doctor here at Celebrai."

"Celebrai? So, I was attacked by Bone Cats in Moonguile Forest, rendered unconscious, and then brought here?"

Larikush nodded. "Yes, and the mayor would like to speak with you; make it a point to stop by his home once you're ready. Oh, and I placed your winglet on the drawer there; is it homemade?"

Kalas walked over to it and picked it up. "Yes, it is, and please shut up; I'm trying to think."

He stood still for a few moments before slapping his forehead. "Oh yeah! '…'! Are you okay '…'!"

"Who in all of holy God are you talking to?" Larikush asked urgently. "I think you may need some more treatment."

Kalas shook his head. "No, '…' is my Guardian Spirit! He and I are bonded together!"

The doctor scratched his head. "Yes, well, you seem well enough. Go out and thank Meemai, and then visit the mayor."

"Who's Meemai?"

"The one who saved you in the forest."

"Oh."

Kalas sighed and quickly grasped his cape from the bed. "Okay, bye." He then walked out of the room in haste. "Hey, wait," Larikush muttered.

The blue- haired young man took a deep breath once he stepped outside. A few townspeople were going about their daily errands, and a midget was eating a rack of ribs near an overgrown blue plant.

Kalas sighed and began to walk over to the center of the town before the midget stopped him. "Hey, my friend, stop right there. You see this flower here? It records your memory and then transports you to a church located one the borders of the sky."

Kalas merely snorted. "Um, here." He tossed a coin to the ground and continued his walk.

The center of the town was much more active. A large aqua colored Greythorne hopped around near a little boy, a loud retard was shouting advertisements for a Magnus store, and a blonde girl wearing pink was fidgeting in an erotic motion near the town entrance.

The little boy suddenly approached him. "Hey, mister, are you the guy Meemai saved?" Kalas looked down at him. "Uh, yep."

They boy glanced at the Greythorne. "Then say 'thank you'."

He looked at the Greythorne in surprise. "That's Meemai!" he asked in bewilderment. The boy smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

Kalas glanced around nervously. "Okay, thank you Meemai." He then quickly darted towards a house with a sign planted on it. "So, the mayor lives here; cool." He entered the home.

"I see you have come," the elderly woman stated As Kalas approached her. "Oh, are you the mayor? That Larikush guy told me to come here."

The mayor nodded. "Yes, I asked for you."

Kalas smiled. "Okay, so what do want? I have a lot of things to do right now, like picking up my Winglet, and-" The old lady bopped him in the head with her walking stick. "Shut up you idiot! Have you any idea what lurks in those woods? You were stupid enough to go in there and now you have disturbed the natural course of our life here!"

The mayor relaxed and tried to regain her breath as Kalas rubbed the spot where he was hit. "Ow! I'm sorry!" He then rushed out of the house and almost bumped into the girl wearing pink.

"I'm sorry, so sorry!" he stated as she rubbed her groin area, seeming shaken from the fall. "Oh, oh… It's all right… Ooh, ooh… Do you have any chocolate?" she asked as he scratched his nose. "Um, you all right? You seem like you're horny."

Her right eye twitched. "No, I'm just stressed out… and I'm not horny! Why, are you?"

Kalas considered the question carefully. "Well, I haven't had any pornographic dreams since I was thirteen, so I don't think so."

She smiled. "We all don't think we're horny, but we are… on the inside." She then advanced towards him, and he advanced back. This continued for about five minutes, until two guys approached them.

"Xelha, come on. We're running out of time; Gram spotted some Imperial ships in the distance!"

Xelha glanced angrily at Leon. "Oh fine! Let's go!" she exclaimed before they all left the town.

Kalas snorted. "Do you think we should follow them, '…'? I mean, they said something about the Empire; something fishy is going on."

"Let's go!" '…' stated as Kalas yawned. "If you're sure."

(So, what did you think?)


	2. Moonguile Forest

(I got two reviews! It's a start! Now, the purpose for the candies will become clear later on.)

Baten Kaitos: Eternal Jolly Rancher and the Lost Skittles

Chapter Two: Moonguile Forest

The air was stiff and filled with the scent of blood as Kalas entered the forest. He shivered and sneezed.

"Aw, man! I'm getting a cold!" he exclaimed while inspecting the place. "Um, so, '…', is your memory coming back?"

Kalas got no response, only a somewhat loud snoring noise. He shrugged and continued onward through the forest.

Everything seemed calm for awhile; he passed a few ladybugs and butterflies, and even picked an apple from an apple tree. It was all perfectly dandy, until he reached the area with the red flower.

"Hey, look! It's one of those flowers, but it's red!" he cried while running over to it. He inspected it for a moment. "Do you think I should touch it?"

"Give it a shot," '…' replied. "There's my buddy!" Kalas responded and touched the flower, which immediately opened up.

"Whoa… cool," he muttered before stepping in the flower. A little suddenly appeared, and it freaked him out. "Whoa… it's shiny," he stated while touching the light with his right index finger.

After poking the light twenty times Kalas stepped out of the flower, only to have it close up. "Wha…?" he murmured before stepping back into it, and then out again. Fascinated by the closing and opening, Kalas continued this motion for awhile, leaving his right foot in for easy access.

As our hero continued enjoying himself, '…' noticed a multitude of evil monsters was forming around the flower.

"Uh, Kalas?"

"What is it '…'! This is pretty fun!"

"Okay… look! It's a naked stripper!"

This caught Kalas's attention as he spun around, only to be found face- to- face with about a hundred or so mutant wolves and birds. "Where's the stripper?" he asked casually while looking over the monsters.

"There is no stripper! Run, you idiot!"

"Hey, we're supposed to be bonding. How our relationship is affects our fighting in battle." Kalas responded when a bird pecked at his arm and ripped off some flesh.

"Damn bird!" he exclaimed while cupping the blood in his hand. He then began to run; he ran across logs, dead bodies, more dead bodies, decapitated bodies, which, you guessed it, were dead.

"When will this madness stop!" he shouted before reaching a cliff. "Wait, isn't that, that girl?" he thought aloud while watching a big Sabre Dragon attacking her companions.

"Gram…Ooh… Leon…!...Ooh…" she stated as the dragon centered its attention on her.

"No, we have to stop this!" Kalas exclaimed heroically and jumped down, preparing to slash the dragon with his sword. Unfortunately, he missed, and one of the horns struck his groin area and barely missed his 'reproductive organs'.

"H-Holy God…" he muttered while clutching it. "I… can't move!"

The girl looked over him. "Did you finally tap into your… ooh… soul?" He looked up at her exasperatedly. "What the hell are you talking about! It stunned me!"

She sighed and turned to the dragon, flew under it, and struck it once in the groin. It roared in pain and began to fall. She swiftly flew out of the way.

-

Kalas groaned in pain while inspecting the dragon. "Dammit! It doesn't have any teeth!" The girl walked over to him. "Hey, do you have any chocolate?"

He stood up and walked over to her dead friends. "Well, here's a HERSHEY bar."

"Give it to me!" She grabbed the bar from her hand and tore the wrapper off, hungrily jamming it into her mouth.

"Are you okay?" Kalas asked while he cleaned out his ear with his right pinkey.

"Oh, well, when I tapped into my inner self, I began to get horny every five minutes. Chocolate is the only thing that gets me back to normal."

Kalas cleared his throat. "So, we really are all horny on the inside…"

"Um, what's the name of your Guardian Spirit?"

" '…'"

"What; you didn't say anything."

"I did! His name is '…'!"

She rubbed her groin area. "Oh, darn, it's coming back faster. Well, I'm Xelha. How about you?"

"Kalas."

She smiled. "Okay, so, I was going to the ruins deep within this forest; wanna come?"

(The end of the second chapter… Anyway, I have another BK story in production, so watch out for it.)


	3. Watermelon Flavor?

Baten Kaitos: Eternal Jolly Rancher and the Lost Skittles

Chapter Three: Watermelon… Flavor?

Kalas yawned loudly while stretching his arms. "God, good thing that Xelha person had to go take a leak; her constant fidgeting was getting annoying. So, what are you doing, '…'?"

The Guardian Spirit gave no answer. " '…'?"

"Oh, sorry, what?"

"What do you think about Xelha?"

"The girl with endless sexual urges; is that who you mean?" Kalas sighed. "Yes, her," he replied in irritation.

"Okay, okay, don't need to be so touchy. Well, she seems okay, but I'm busy right now; any more questions?"

Kalas frowned. "What could you be doing that would be considered busy?"

"Well, uh, um, I'm preparing for something important; something very important."

"What?"

"It's nothing… but it doesn't concern you, or the fact that your Melodia friend tried to erase my memories; that was quite a pathetic spell."

Kalas stood up in surprise. "You… know about it!" The Guardian Spirit yawned. "Yes, yes, of course I know about it! Melodia is using Geldoblame to acquire these, 'End Magnus', and you're planning on being infused with the power of that Malpercio freak, thus you will cast me away and gain a new wing; it's quite a simple plan, really."

Kalas thought for a moment. "But you know it was just a joke, right? It's not true."

"Sure it is…"

Before our blue- haired hero could respond though, Xelha suddenly appeared. "Okay, I'm ready! We can… ooh… go to those ruins now!" she stated. Kalas nodded and stood up, and they were soon on their way towards the back of the forest.

Kalas acted extremely strange when they neared the red flower, and Xelha inquired about it. "What's… ow… up with you?"

"Oh, it's just a bad memory."

"Okay."

None of them spoke for the rest of the walk, and there was a nice silence… aside from the fact that Kalas could hear peculiar noises with '…', like a massive explosion and some curses of agony.

He ignored it, and they soon found themselves standing before a large spring/lake. "Look, it's so shiny and pretty!" Kalas exclaimed while Xelha walked a few feet into the water. There was a large stone monument at the back spewing water forth. The pendant she was wearing suddenly lit up, and a bright beam of pink light shot out from it and collided with the stone.

The ground suddenly trembled violently, and an extremely high- pitched voice spoke, "Ah, finally! Well, woe- laden child, you will feel the wrath of Malpercio's curse!"

A huge snake, serpent thing shot out from the water and looked at them. It had a mane of hair flying out from its neck and was wearing a pink helmet.

"Oh, bring it on, negros!"

"What's a 'negro'?" Kalas asked before the serpent slammed him against the ground with its tail.

"Oh, you're so dead now!" he cried out before flapping his wing out and running over to the serpent. He fished in his pocket and took out three cards: a Butter Knife, Popsicle Stick, and his Level. I finisher; Disco Storm.

"DIE!" He slashed with his sword for the Butter Knife, and then threw the item card, Popsicle Stick. A river of blood flowed of from the serpent's wound, and the water soon became a dark red.

"Now, my sword cuts through your flesh like that of a beam of multi- colored light from a disco ball on a dance floor; Sword Music: Disco Storm!" he yelled before dashing at the creature and stabbing it with his blade. Several beams of red, blue, green, and purple light struck the wound. The Serpent hissed in pain, the attack causing it to fall under the water.

Blood continued to seep from the wound, and Kalas was quick to get back on land. "Ah! The bottom half of my pants are soaked in blood! I don't believe this!"

As Kalas ranted about his pants, a peculiar, golden magnus hovered up from the dissipating body of the serpent. It shined brightly, causing both of them to shield their eyes.

"Oooooh… It's so shiny!" our blue- haired hero exclaimed before hopping back _into _the now red spring. "Ooooooohh…" he muttered before poking at it with his finger.

"Um, Kalas? Kal…ooh… Kalas! Stop touching… ooh… excuse me! I have to go… ooohhh… it's getting worse!" Xelha hurriedly ran into the trees while Kalas admired the magnus.

As he continued poking it, however, Imperial soldiers landed on the ground, aiming their rifles at the oblivious Kalas. "Hey, dumbass, what are you doing! Can't you see the Imperial ship and the soldiers!" '…' shouted.

Kalas kept poking the magnus, and the soldiers seemed a tad bewildered. That is, until a somewhat tall man with his abs showing jumped down from the sky. A really, really big feather stuck out of his helmet, and a long, black cape flowed behind him.

"What are you dolts doing? Secure the magnus and the girl!"

"Uh… Of course, sir!" one of the soldiers responded and grabbed the magnus, pulling it away from Kalas, who was brought back to reality from the loss of the shininess.

"Hey! What was that-," but he stopped short upon seeing the man.

"I know you! I just can't think of your name right now… Who is he, '…'?"

"I guess he would be the killer of your brother and adoptive grandfather, and his name is Giacomo."

"Giacomo?"

"No, Giacomofo."

"Ah, yeah, I remember now!"

Giacomo took notice of Kalas and smirked as a soldier snuck up behind him and slammed the blunt end of his rifle against the back of his skull. "Ow!" Kalas cried before falling to the ground, unconscious. "Good, now, find the girl and the gem."

* * *

Kalas groaned as he woke up in the mayor's home. He was laying on the floor, in front of an extremely angry mayor. Larikush was standing to the side, watching.

"What did I tell you about _not_ going into the forest!" she screamed before whacking Kalas in the head with her pole. "Ah! It's not my fault!" he replied while standing up. "You fool! From what we know, the Imperial ship which entered Moonguile forest is headed for Pherkad; look what you've done!"

Kalas rubbed the large bump on his head. "I didn't know the Empire was even coming, okay! It's not my fault!"

The mayor cursed a little under her breath as Larikush stepped forward. "If, by any chance, you would be following them to Perkhad, could you please stop by my home, Kalas? I have something to give to you."

Larikush then exited the building, leaving Kalas to stare at him. "Why would I be going to Perkhad…?"

"I dunno, maybe to kill Giacomo and avenge your grandfather and brother, as well as save Xelha from the dirty clutches of the Empire? I also hear they have some nice lotion over there, too?"

"Lotion? I'm in!" Kalas exclaimed before darting towards Larikush's home.

"Hey, '…', what's lotion?"

(Sorry about the short chapters, people,; I can sorta, kinda assure you that they'll be longer. Just so you guys know, I'm writing this out of my own memory... heh heh...)


End file.
